10.31.2003
midnight miscellany
today, i bought green shoes. they're very Fabulous, what with the squared-off pointed toe, the unbelievably high heel, and, of course, the green. i feel so much more sophisticated in Fabulous Shoes as such. especially when no cows were harmed in their making. good times are had by all.
erik is out of town. in las vegas. for a comic convention. over halloween. while at first i was upset that he got dibs on our digicam for the weekend, i'm really looking forward to the pictures of the geeks, and, well, freaks. although if you ask me, a halloween comic convention really blurs the line between the true geeks/freaks who'd dress up anyway, and the people just being seasonally festive. it's a cop-out! i want authentic geeks that dress up for any old comic convention! none of these festive sell-outs!
last night, erik and i stayed up until 2 trying to design a Bruce Banner ID badge. we found some choice UC Berkeley logo-age and a half-glowing green photo of bruce. with the lab coat, test tubes, and green glow sticks, i'd say erik has a pretty good halloween costume. even if he's more on the festive end of the spectrum than the bonafide geek end.
have i mentioned i'm going to be Ann Coulter for halloween?
again, erik is out of town. thus, i cannot sleep. every little noise is some irate intruder coming to get me and/or our CD collection.
tonight, some fabulous friends and i bar hopped for the first time in a good year or so. the bar hop included an espresso bar, and perhaps you can guess who's idea that was.
i still can't believe my goddamned office building didn't burn down.
10.30.2003
moving right along
well, after a "Firestorm 2003!" -induced 5 day weekend, i'm back at the office. our route to work takes us through scripps ranch, the community hardest hit by the san diego fires. 350+ homes were burned in that little community alone. the guardrails were dangling on the sides of the road because the posts were too charred to hold them up. erik smuggled the digital camera to las vegas this weekend, so i'm going to have to lug the nikon to work one of these days so i can document this. it's unbelievable. sure, the standard fire damage... burnt, peeling trees, blackened earth, chimneys rising above the rubble, scattered survivor houses with still-green grass and intact patio-furniture standing proud amongst the still-smouldering, charred warzone. our usual non-stop carpool chit chat was interupted by "wow"s and "holy fucking shit"s and complete pauses as we took it all in.
the fire had also reached the parking lot of my office. seriously. the brush and hillsides behind the building are toast. i can't believe it didn't burn the building. i was also secretly hoping it would, but let's just keep that quiet, eh?
the mood in san diego these days can be summed up in pretty much one word: preoccupied.
well, after a "Firestorm 2003!" -induced 5 day weekend, i'm back at the office. our route to work takes us through scripps ranch, the community hardest hit by the san diego fires. 350+ homes were burned in that little community alone. the guardrails were dangling on the sides of the road because the posts were too charred to hold them up. erik smuggled the digital camera to las vegas this weekend, so i'm going to have to lug the nikon to work one of these days so i can document this. it's unbelievable. sure, the standard fire damage... burnt, peeling trees, blackened earth, chimneys rising above the rubble, scattered survivor houses with still-green grass and intact patio-furniture standing proud amongst the still-smouldering, charred warzone. our usual non-stop carpool chit chat was interupted by "wow"s and "holy fucking shit"s and complete pauses as we took it all in.
the fire had also reached the parking lot of my office. seriously. the brush and hillsides behind the building are toast. i can't believe it didn't burn the building. i was also secretly hoping it would, but let's just keep that quiet, eh?
the mood in san diego these days can be summed up in pretty much one word: preoccupied.
10.27.2003
san diego: october 23rd-27th, in pictures.
it's been a strange, strange weekend.
it's been a strange, strange weekend.
thursday night. the bride got in town, and i baked. and espresso-ed some chai lattes. i'm all about the high class bachelorette parties.
friday night. a fence hop over to the karl strauss brewery garden for the rehearsal dinner. CC's childhood fear of Planet of the Apes surfaced.
despite the failure of the karaoke machine and the dr. zaius business, CC was still happy and beautiful.
saturday. a beautiful, sophisticated, godly, hilarious wedding in suburban san diego.
sunday. fire. everywhere. fear, excitement, cell phone calls, smoke, ash. thinking about your mortgage and your wedding pictures and your friends and your job. watching everyone else around you think about the same things, brows furrowed beneath hankerchiefs and disposable gas masks.
all freeways but one are closed. strip malls are eerily empty with scrawled signs in doorways.300800+ families are becoming homeless, one by one, and you think about your honeymoon in yellowstone and your invigorated, educated conviction that Fire Is Okay And Part Of The Ecosystem. but it's different now. people are dying, and you can taste those300800 homes in the air as you inhale particles of somebody else's charred wedding pictures. you doze off on the couch as you condemn local news stations on how frequently they show the news anchors. the disconnect tone -- short beeps slightly quicker than a busy signal -- hardens your heart as you call your evacuated-since-saturday friends.
monday. more fire. red sun at 11:30am. sooty skies and masks. the post-apocalyptic shopping mall.
10.24.2003
sylvia
there's something about posthumously published art that doesn't fully sit right with me. (of course, i would read someone's journal if i found it abandoned at a bus stop, so i really can't really take a side.)
elliott smith was working on a new album when he killed himself this week. like some of plath's poetry, i wouldn't be surprised if the inevitable posthumous release of his album is riddled with warning signs, depression, suicide. granted, much of his work produced in his lifetime had that stuff, too. i don't understand suicide. similarly, i don't understand how anyone could really intend for something to be published, applauded after their death. i do, however, understand the need for leaving something great and beautiful and poignant.
whether or not plath intended it to be shared, we are by far the richer for having "ariel."
there's something about posthumously published art that doesn't fully sit right with me. (of course, i would read someone's journal if i found it abandoned at a bus stop, so i really can't really take a side.)
elliott smith was working on a new album when he killed himself this week. like some of plath's poetry, i wouldn't be surprised if the inevitable posthumous release of his album is riddled with warning signs, depression, suicide. granted, much of his work produced in his lifetime had that stuff, too. i don't understand suicide. similarly, i don't understand how anyone could really intend for something to be published, applauded after their death. i do, however, understand the need for leaving something great and beautiful and poignant.
whether or not plath intended it to be shared, we are by far the richer for having "ariel."
Ariel
Stasis in darkness.
Then the substanceless blue
Pour of tor and distances.
God's lioness,
How one we grow,
Pivot of heels and knees! -- The furrow
Splits and passes, sister to
The brown arc
Of the neck I cannot catch,
Nigger-eye
Berries cast dark
Hooks --
Black sweet blood mouthfuls,
Shadows.
Something else
Hauls methrough air --
Thighs, hair;
Flakes from my heels.
White
Godiva, I unpeel --
Dead hands, dead stringencies.
And now I
Foam to wheat, a glitter of seas.
The child's cry
Melts in the wall.
And I
Am the arrow,
The dew that flies
Suicidal, at one with the drive
Into the red
Eye, the cauldron of morning.
10.23.2003
our new office ice cream machine
overheard in my office: "if i have a dollar in my pocket, chances are, that machine is getting it."
and how. in the last few days since i heard about The Ice Cream Machine, i've had two milky-way ice cream bars. mmm, creamy chocolatey caramel deliciousness. i'm thinking this will boost employee morale as much as it will boost our body fat percentages.
overheard in my office: "if i have a dollar in my pocket, chances are, that machine is getting it."
and how. in the last few days since i heard about The Ice Cream Machine, i've had two milky-way ice cream bars. mmm, creamy chocolatey caramel deliciousness. i'm thinking this will boost employee morale as much as it will boost our body fat percentages.
10.22.2003
depression
without fail, everything dooce posted over the last year+ that i've been reading has made me laugh. i was taken quite aback when this post brought tears to my eyes. depression, pregnancy, failure, love, dog ownership, and hope.
all hard, hard things that i may never understand. beautiful.
without fail, everything dooce posted over the last year+ that i've been reading has made me laugh. i was taken quite aback when this post brought tears to my eyes. depression, pregnancy, failure, love, dog ownership, and hope.
all hard, hard things that i may never understand. beautiful.
10.21.2003
side by side in orbit around the fairest sun
sunday morning was lousy.
it was all a giant mess of realizing that a handful - well, two - of my closest friends really don't love me unconditionally and chances are, because of that, i probably don't love them unconditionally back. it was all a giant mess of being one-upped after everything i might say. it was all a giant mess of still being one-upped after i'd decided to cease talking. it was all a giant mess of being disrespected. it was all a giant mess of sixth-grade-esque discussions of good times spent without julia and how fabulous and important their friendship to each other is.
it was all a giant mess of realizing i hate girls.
(granted, i still have a handful of gems in my life, but i can write about them in a less girl-hating post.)
i left the room and sat outside in the annoying october 90° heat on a splintery bench while children rushed past and acquaintences and old ladies tried to start cheap conversation. i let myself breathe deeply, trying to fight the standard julia "think about what just happened and end up overanalyzing it and crying" reflex.
it worked. soon, i felt normal again. the sun was shining. i could see my sweet husband across the church campus carrying my guitar out to the car. a newly engaged man came to ask me for wedding advice and ideas (you know, the highest praise and all). i realized i didn't need to fill my life with friends anyway. one beautiful friendship far outweighs a hundred meaningless ones.
then, i heard that while i had been outside, my friends had picked our lunch locale - the usual daunting post-church decision as we factor in everyone's dietary needs, pregnancy cravings, and cash flow.
and where did they choose? a fast food burger joint.
thus, with my zen state completely busted, erik and i went to lunch by ourselves. as we waited for our organic tofu stirfry at the Whole Foods cafe, i told erik that spending time with him makes me happier. i told him that he makes days like this suck less. that he makes my life better.
erik then told me that his life would be horrible without me.
it was all a giant, happy mess of realizing what a pair of insecure, baggage-ridden basketcases we are, and how amazing and borderline spiritual it is that we managed to find each other and make something beautiful, something better.
i am the luckiest person in the world ever to cry into their tofu stirfry.
sunday morning was lousy.
it was all a giant mess of realizing that a handful - well, two - of my closest friends really don't love me unconditionally and chances are, because of that, i probably don't love them unconditionally back. it was all a giant mess of being one-upped after everything i might say. it was all a giant mess of still being one-upped after i'd decided to cease talking. it was all a giant mess of being disrespected. it was all a giant mess of sixth-grade-esque discussions of good times spent without julia and how fabulous and important their friendship to each other is.
it was all a giant mess of realizing i hate girls.
(granted, i still have a handful of gems in my life, but i can write about them in a less girl-hating post.)
i left the room and sat outside in the annoying october 90° heat on a splintery bench while children rushed past and acquaintences and old ladies tried to start cheap conversation. i let myself breathe deeply, trying to fight the standard julia "think about what just happened and end up overanalyzing it and crying" reflex.
it worked. soon, i felt normal again. the sun was shining. i could see my sweet husband across the church campus carrying my guitar out to the car. a newly engaged man came to ask me for wedding advice and ideas (you know, the highest praise and all). i realized i didn't need to fill my life with friends anyway. one beautiful friendship far outweighs a hundred meaningless ones.
then, i heard that while i had been outside, my friends had picked our lunch locale - the usual daunting post-church decision as we factor in everyone's dietary needs, pregnancy cravings, and cash flow.
and where did they choose? a fast food burger joint.
thus, with my zen state completely busted, erik and i went to lunch by ourselves. as we waited for our organic tofu stirfry at the Whole Foods cafe, i told erik that spending time with him makes me happier. i told him that he makes days like this suck less. that he makes my life better.
erik then told me that his life would be horrible without me.
it was all a giant, happy mess of realizing what a pair of insecure, baggage-ridden basketcases we are, and how amazing and borderline spiritual it is that we managed to find each other and make something beautiful, something better.
i am the luckiest person in the world ever to cry into their tofu stirfry.
10.20.2003
erik, if you're reading this,
WE NEED A PUPPY!
and i wasn't kidding about the "no-babies for at least 2 years worth of dogs" thing.
we can find one that doesn't drool all that much. we can find one that's already housetrained. we can find one small and mellow enough to be indoors all day. we can find one that doesn't smell too much, and if it does, we can always use that doggie mango body wash.
dogs enrich your life, without a doubt.
just agree with me. don't make mestart continue embarassing you in front of our friends.
WE NEED A PUPPY!
and i wasn't kidding about the "no-babies for at least 2 years worth of dogs" thing.
we can find one that doesn't drool all that much. we can find one that's already housetrained. we can find one small and mellow enough to be indoors all day. we can find one that doesn't smell too much, and if it does, we can always use that doggie mango body wash.
dogs enrich your life, without a doubt.
just agree with me. don't make me
10.17.2003
how's married life?
a bulleted list:
people have been asking me "how's married life?" all the time. of course, we were all expecting this. only once have i managed to pull off an "oh, it's horrible. i mean, it's so overrated, we're fighting all the time...." answer.
married life, in fact, is good. it's all parties, vacations, and new kitchen stuff so far.
speaking of new kitchen stuff, i'm enjoying the espresso machine. "enjoying"="really fucking frustrated with." however, i'm now carpooling several times a week with my a-political, hates-my-entire-department coworker, so i need to make my own lattes in the morning now. the espresso part is fine. it's the steamed milk business that isn't working out. it's either not hot enough, or overflowing with froth. in which case, the steam is still blasting out of the little thing, splashing milk and froth everywhere.... the counter tops, the floor, my clothes...
like i said, i'm carpooling with my a-political, hates-my-entire-department coworker. however, this leads to fabulous work-gossip, so i'm happy. i also now have a blank slate. a political protegé. ehhhhhhhhhxcellent.
today, at the coffee shop (i didn't carpool), i picked up an extra drink for my supervisor. the barista said, "is this for your fiancé?" i said, "no, my coworker." (slight pause) "i don't have a fiancé anymore." she started apologizing and asking what happened... "we got married." GOOD TIMES.
then, said barista asked, "so, how's married life so far?"
a bulleted list:
10.16.2003
halloween
i think i'm going to bea conservative Ann Coulter for halloween.
so far, i just have the fabulous general idea. i need to put together the details. i have a friend who may mail me a really cute "GOP" baby tee.
more details, please.
also, i'm going to need a different costume idea altogether to wear to my work party.
julia's politics+the workplace=bad times.
i think i'm going to be
so far, i just have the fabulous general idea. i need to put together the details. i have a friend who may mail me a really cute "GOP" baby tee.
more details, please.
also, i'm going to need a different costume idea altogether to wear to my work party.
julia's politics+the workplace=bad times.
10.15.2003
there are some things you just don't want popping out of the movie screen.
so the fabulous indie theater that played a midnight showing of office space this weekend (yyyyeahhhh) is also showing a 3D john holmes film in the coming weeks. um, i mean, in the next few weeks. damn it.
really, i might be up for it (!) if i could guarantee the following simple conditions:
but still! 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so the fabulous indie theater that played a midnight showing of office space this weekend (yyyyeahhhh) is also showing a 3D john holmes film in the coming weeks. um, i mean, in the next few weeks. damn it.
really, i might be up for it (!) if i could guarantee the following simple conditions:
1. nobody i know or have ever known would be there, except for the large group of friends i'd be with. (see item 2)so on that note, i won't be going.
2. i'd be emotionally and socially protected by a large group of friends.
3. (and this is the key) EVERYONE IN ATTENDANCE WOULD BE THERE TO LAUGH AT IT. nothing more. no pervs allowed.
4. they'd keep the lights on.
but still! 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10.13.2003
dead ant, dead ant...
ants really challenge my respect for ecosystems. specifically, the ants that are in my fucking kitchen, reproducing faster than we can squish them and building immunity to every kind of ant trap poison ever concocted. they're invincible.
it's probably amusing for erik to see his vegetarian pacifist wife (hee!) saying "die, muthafuckas" as she drowns entire ant families in seventh generation non-toxic kitchen cleaner, or squishes the stray, lost ants with the corner of a tree-free paper towel.
nay, it would be amusing for him if we hadn't been battling the ant colony upon which our house was built for the last ten months. seriously. we were killing ants the day we moved in.
i understand the role they play in the greater ecosystem. but that ecosystem is OUTDOORS. you can feast on that worm carcass on the pathway all you want, but just stay the hell out of the kitchen.
ants really challenge my respect for ecosystems. specifically, the ants that are in my fucking kitchen, reproducing faster than we can squish them and building immunity to every kind of ant trap poison ever concocted. they're invincible.
it's probably amusing for erik to see his vegetarian pacifist wife (hee!) saying "die, muthafuckas" as she drowns entire ant families in seventh generation non-toxic kitchen cleaner, or squishes the stray, lost ants with the corner of a tree-free paper towel.
nay, it would be amusing for him if we hadn't been battling the ant colony upon which our house was built for the last ten months. seriously. we were killing ants the day we moved in.
i understand the role they play in the greater ecosystem. but that ecosystem is OUTDOORS. you can feast on that worm carcass on the pathway all you want, but just stay the hell out of the kitchen.
damn it.
i cried during last night's "alias."
so many details i need to understand! how could vaughn really meet, fall in love with, and marry someone within two year's of the inexplicable "death" of his girlfriend??? what's with all the felicity connections?
just when i thought i had sunday evenings (post simpsons) to myself.
in other news, i'm fixing to create a new bulleted list update soon. much of it will involve my experiments on the espresso machine.
i cried during last night's "alias."
so many details i need to understand! how could vaughn really meet, fall in love with, and marry someone within two year's of the inexplicable "death" of his girlfriend??? what's with all the felicity connections?
just when i thought i had sunday evenings (post simpsons) to myself.
in other news, i'm fixing to create a new bulleted list update soon. much of it will involve my experiments on the espresso machine.
10.11.2003
"i just don't think i'm gonna go anymore"
we're spending the evening
a) playing guitar and getting paid for it.
b) eating at the swankiest restaurant ever to let you color on the "tablecloths" with dear friends, their gorgeous baby grace, and their sister and her girlfriend who we just met and instantly clicked with. we're also thinking about learning basic sentence structure, but that's no big deal.
c) watching OFFICE SPACE. in the MOVIE THEATER. at MIDNIGHT. hell yes.
this is totally the life.
we're spending the evening
a) playing guitar and getting paid for it.
b) eating at the swankiest restaurant ever to let you color on the "tablecloths" with dear friends, their gorgeous baby grace, and their sister and her girlfriend who we just met and instantly clicked with. we're also thinking about learning basic sentence structure, but that's no big deal.
c) watching OFFICE SPACE. in the MOVIE THEATER. at MIDNIGHT. hell yes.
this is totally the life.
10.10.2003
10.09.2003
i'm NOT ALONE!
normally i try to steer clear of sitcoms (i save myself for WB dramas, and the Best Show on Television), but inbetween innings last night, i flipped over to "Everybody Loves Raymond."
i'm not sure of the entire plot, but he was arguing with his wife about her exboyfriends and the gifts and letters she had received from them. it turns out that she had a bunch of gifts from former "luvvahs" scattered around the house, unbeknownst to raymond.
you'll die. their PEPPER MILL was a former boyfriend's gift to his wife. he proceeded to make comments about it being the pepper mill he USES EVERY DAY ON HIS FOOD.
i flip back to baseball for a while, and when i return to Raymond 15 minutes later, he's sitting at the dining room table staring at the pepper mill.
but really, erik. it doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you.
normally i try to steer clear of sitcoms (i save myself for WB dramas, and the Best Show on Television), but inbetween innings last night, i flipped over to "Everybody Loves Raymond."
i'm not sure of the entire plot, but he was arguing with his wife about her exboyfriends and the gifts and letters she had received from them. it turns out that she had a bunch of gifts from former "luvvahs" scattered around the house, unbeknownst to raymond.
you'll die. their PEPPER MILL was a former boyfriend's gift to his wife. he proceeded to make comments about it being the pepper mill he USES EVERY DAY ON HIS FOOD.
i flip back to baseball for a while, and when i return to Raymond 15 minutes later, he's sitting at the dining room table staring at the pepper mill.
but really, erik. it doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you.
10.08.2003
< /hell >
if you're wondering where i've been...
i'm trying to create a fancy little pop-up gallery or slideshow to share some of our favorite wedding pictures with you all. within the confines of blogger.
pray for me.
if i don't get anything figured out by tomorrow night, i'm just going to insert them one after the other in a gigantic blog entry, and you're all just going to have to put up with my impudence.
if you're wondering where i've been...
i'm trying to create a fancy little pop-up gallery or slideshow to share some of our favorite wedding pictures with you all. within the confines of blogger.
pray for me.
if i don't get anything figured out by tomorrow night, i'm just going to insert them one after the other in a gigantic blog entry, and you're all just going to have to put up with my impudence.
10.07.2003
so much we have dreamed
it went by so fast that i almost missed the big day.
i've been blogging for a year now. really.
*cue human interest piece music*
let's take a nostalgic look back at my first post, creatively entitled "the beginning."
mad props to sarah hatter, the first blog i ever read. i started my own blog that same day. and to jason killingsworth, the second blog i ever read, and the first blogfriend i ever had. and to all (four) of you who come back here every once in a while and assure me that i'm normal and maybe even well-adjusted. or maybe you're all saying that normalcy is overrated. details. you still all make me really happy.
but i digress... raise a glass, eat some cake, etc. jde.blogspot.com is ONE.
it went by so fast that i almost missed the big day.
i've been blogging for a year now. really.
*cue human interest piece music*
let's take a nostalgic look back at my first post, creatively entitled "the beginning."
mad props to sarah hatter, the first blog i ever read. i started my own blog that same day. and to jason killingsworth, the second blog i ever read, and the first blogfriend i ever had. and to all (four) of you who come back here every once in a while and assure me that i'm normal and maybe even well-adjusted. or maybe you're all saying that normalcy is overrated. details. you still all make me really happy.
but i digress... raise a glass, eat some cake, etc. jde.blogspot.com is ONE.
10.06.2003
these things they go away, replaced by every day...
i heard a song this weekend that reminded me of one of my few (okay, many) regrets. not a regret for doing something bad (like the rest of them), but a regret for not doing something. a sweetest decline, to quote the fabulous beth orton. a "thing i had left undone," to paraphrase the prayer of confession.
we can call the thing a "he." and we can call the "he" the "one that got away." the not-all-that-great-early-90s-song reminded me of long drives with good music and him telling me to "dump that bastard!" it reminded me of the kind of friendship i'd totally pay to have with my girlfriends nowadays - tenderness, laughter, understanding, low-maintenance... it reminded me of quiet evenings spent working on papers and making fun of people. it reminded me of sitting outside after midnight in the middle of the california desert with a guitar and some shooting stars.
i just wish i had let him know how i really felt back in our hey-day. now is not the time. he will be a very happy father soon and i am a very happy newlywed - at this point, that'd just be selfishly spreading the burden around. it's mine to shoulder.
that said, it's not really a burden. and given my track record, it's nice to know that there's someone out there that i once loved but haven't totally screwed over, broken his heart, or maybe even turned him gay.
i heard a song this weekend that reminded me of one of my few (okay, many) regrets. not a regret for doing something bad (like the rest of them), but a regret for not doing something. a sweetest decline, to quote the fabulous beth orton. a "thing i had left undone," to paraphrase the prayer of confession.
we can call the thing a "he." and we can call the "he" the "one that got away." the not-all-that-great-early-90s-song reminded me of long drives with good music and him telling me to "dump that bastard!" it reminded me of the kind of friendship i'd totally pay to have with my girlfriends nowadays - tenderness, laughter, understanding, low-maintenance... it reminded me of quiet evenings spent working on papers and making fun of people. it reminded me of sitting outside after midnight in the middle of the california desert with a guitar and some shooting stars.
i just wish i had let him know how i really felt back in our hey-day. now is not the time. he will be a very happy father soon and i am a very happy newlywed - at this point, that'd just be selfishly spreading the burden around. it's mine to shoulder.
that said, it's not really a burden. and given my track record, it's nice to know that there's someone out there that i once loved but haven't totally screwed over, broken his heart, or maybe even turned him gay.
10.03.2003
salt in the wound
a certain ex boyfriend decided to send us a wedding gift. that's sweet. fully unexpected - he's never met erik, he wasn't invited to the wedding, etc...
but definitely a sweet sentiment - very touching, especially after a very peaceful and forgiving email he sent me a few months ago.
however, he bought us the salt and pepper mills we had (painstakingly) picked out on our macy's registry.
not a vase or something we could bury away and bring out every once in a while. not a random, anonymous fork or plate or something. instead, THE VERY THINGS THAT WILL SIT FRONT AND CENTER ON THE TABLETOP EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
oy.
a certain ex boyfriend decided to send us a wedding gift. that's sweet. fully unexpected - he's never met erik, he wasn't invited to the wedding, etc...
but definitely a sweet sentiment - very touching, especially after a very peaceful and forgiving email he sent me a few months ago.
however, he bought us the salt and pepper mills we had (painstakingly) picked out on our macy's registry.
not a vase or something we could bury away and bring out every once in a while. not a random, anonymous fork or plate or something. instead, THE VERY THINGS THAT WILL SIT FRONT AND CENTER ON THE TABLETOP EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
oy.
10.02.2003
there's nothing i can do to make my life better, but you, my friend...
as the sun blazes at eye level and bela fleck dances his fingers on the strings in their wordless poem of a big country, i think of all the remarkable people in my life... the friendships i've screwed up and the friendships that have stuck around despite me, and i see that all is good.
i am better not for the knowledge i gain, the skills i improve, the jokes i tell, but for the knowledge and the skills and the jokes i share with people who matter to me.
granted, i'm usually the only one laughing at my jokes, but still. the music is good, the sun is setting, and i am loved.
thank you for the mix CDs and the kerouac, man. i treasure you.
maybe comment on the damn blog sometime, eh?
as the sun blazes at eye level and bela fleck dances his fingers on the strings in their wordless poem of a big country, i think of all the remarkable people in my life... the friendships i've screwed up and the friendships that have stuck around despite me, and i see that all is good.
i am better not for the knowledge i gain, the skills i improve, the jokes i tell, but for the knowledge and the skills and the jokes i share with people who matter to me.
granted, i'm usually the only one laughing at my jokes, but still. the music is good, the sun is setting, and i am loved.
thank you for the mix CDs and the kerouac, man. i treasure you.
maybe comment on the damn blog sometime, eh?
10.01.2003
who is this person and why am i getting her mail?
i have to admit - the name change is a little surreal so far. erik and i have been addressing each other as "husband" and "wife," but it feels like we're joking, like we're pretending.
the last day of our honeymoon, the massage therapist (yay) asked for "Julia Evans," from the doorway of the spa room, which made me smile. i think it was the first time i'd been addressed that way outside of the joking, pretending friends being playful at the wedding reception.
later that day, i was by myself for a moment. somebody asked me if i needed anything, and i responded with a simple, effortless, "i'm just waiting for my husband to check us out."
those instances were in new places. i had never been to the grand tetons before. i had never met that massage therapist before. i had never sat in that lobby before. now, i'm back at work and struggling to change over to be another person in the same swivvle chair i've always sat in, surrounded by the same desk clutter, the same people, the same emails. it just all has a different name on it, as if some other julia came in here and took over my life while i was on vacation. that bitch!
i thought that going by all three names would alleviate this surreality. but after two days, it's really only made me feel like a poser. i could understand a lawyer wanting to go by all three names. a politician. a rich southerner with a family "name" to keep. but i work in engineering. i write freaking user manuals, and the plastic nameplate outside my taupe-carpeted cubicle squeezes out three names like a fat man in a little suit.
all of the wedding cards are addressed to my new name, which, rather than inspiring cute little newlywed giggles sends me into a momentary flash of greed, wondering who all those wedding guests are to assume i was changing my name, and wishing i hadn't changed it just to spite those assume-ers. then i get over it and realize how great it is that erik and i are a family. and how fabulous the name looks. just think, my very first boyfriend's last name was Schamburger.
i'll get over this soon, i promise. maybe if the state of california would hurry up and let me get a new driver's license, the legality of it all would make it feel more natural. who knows.
that's all from me. i really ought to revert back to my bulleted lists after this display of incoherence, eh?
i have to admit - the name change is a little surreal so far. erik and i have been addressing each other as "husband" and "wife," but it feels like we're joking, like we're pretending.
the last day of our honeymoon, the massage therapist (yay) asked for "Julia Evans," from the doorway of the spa room, which made me smile. i think it was the first time i'd been addressed that way outside of the joking, pretending friends being playful at the wedding reception.
later that day, i was by myself for a moment. somebody asked me if i needed anything, and i responded with a simple, effortless, "i'm just waiting for my husband to check us out."
those instances were in new places. i had never been to the grand tetons before. i had never met that massage therapist before. i had never sat in that lobby before. now, i'm back at work and struggling to change over to be another person in the same swivvle chair i've always sat in, surrounded by the same desk clutter, the same people, the same emails. it just all has a different name on it, as if some other julia came in here and took over my life while i was on vacation. that bitch!
i thought that going by all three names would alleviate this surreality. but after two days, it's really only made me feel like a poser. i could understand a lawyer wanting to go by all three names. a politician. a rich southerner with a family "name" to keep. but i work in engineering. i write freaking user manuals, and the plastic nameplate outside my taupe-carpeted cubicle squeezes out three names like a fat man in a little suit.
all of the wedding cards are addressed to my new name, which, rather than inspiring cute little newlywed giggles sends me into a momentary flash of greed, wondering who all those wedding guests are to assume i was changing my name, and wishing i hadn't changed it just to spite those assume-ers. then i get over it and realize how great it is that erik and i are a family. and how fabulous the name looks. just think, my very first boyfriend's last name was Schamburger.
i'll get over this soon, i promise. maybe if the state of california would hurry up and let me get a new driver's license, the legality of it all would make it feel more natural. who knows.
that's all from me. i really ought to revert back to my bulleted lists after this display of incoherence, eh?
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