the border reivers i've been doing a little research into my heritage recently - from the english-scottish border culture. i come from a long line of fighting souls. great.
For over 350 years up to the end of the 16th century what are now Northumberland, Cumbria, The Scottish Borders and Dumfries & Galloway rang to the clash of steel and the thunder of hooves. Robbery and blackmail were everyday professions, raiding, arson, kidnapping, murder and extortion an accepted part of the social system.
While the monarchs of England and Scotland ruled the comparatively secure hearts of their kingdoms, the narrow hill land between was dominated by the lance and the sword. The tribal leaders from their towers, the broken men and outlaws of the mosses, the ordinary peasants of the valleys, in their own phrase, 'shook loose the Border'. They continued to shake it as long as it was political reality, practising systematic robbery and destruction on each other. History has christened them the Border Reivers. They gave blackmail and bereaved to the English language.
sometimes there's nothing like a little violence and bloodshed to make you re-evaluate your conviction to keep your maiden name.
[by julia 3:53 PM]
back, and caffeinated apparantly, there are no espresso bars in Way, Mississippi.
either way, i still had a great time. and either way, i'm so glad to be home.
after 3 nights on a horrible camp cabin mattress (my shoulders are bruised) and a tiny little blanket, my amazing bed and engulfing comforter were wonderful indulgences last night. and don't get me started on my latte this morning.
it was interesting to go a few days without the internet, or a computer (yes, i did briefly cheat and check my mail. i was using 117% of my yahoo storage, so it's a good thing).
and yes, old friends did make me laugh, and new friends made me laugh even harder. no, i didn't take any photographs or break any guitar strings, and i only really made fun of the southern drawl. i did definitely miss san diego's lovely weather. more specificially, san diego's bug-less weather.
[by julia 8:38 AM]
3.26.2003
i'll be back monday i'll be doing some exotic travelling for the next few days. i'll assuredly go through blog withdrawal, though, so chances are i'll get my twitching (or whatever it is that happens during withdrawal) hands on an internet connection while i'm there.
old friends will make me laugh, photographs will be taken, guitar strings will be broken, and southern drawls will be picked up.
i will miss san diego's lovely weather, easily available vegetarian cuisine, and loving hands gently, subconsciously interweaving with my hands as we drift in and out of sleep.
oh, and i'm really afraid of flying.
[by julia 9:47 PM]
oh, hell yes. what you see here is not a reproduction. this is an actual screenshot of an actual glimpse of my minesweeper mastery.
why does googlism-ing my name make me look like a porn star, a heroin addict, ukranian, or dutch? although i do appreciate this one: "julia is a truly beautiful book"
i am NOT leading any secret lives. i promise.
[by julia 8:52 AM]
3.25.2003
prose manifestations of past loves, part III the other day, i got an email from someone from The Past. the email mentioned my pending nuptials (a phrase i picked up like a bad habit from greg) and, i quote, "I have to admit that news broke a piece in the back of my heart."
i'm not quite sure what to make of that. either way, i'll tell the story, because it makes for damn good blogging:
justin and i met in july of 1997, at the general convention of the episcopal church held in philadelphia. i was in my first year of college. we had a sort of mutual friend... someone i'd briefly met the year before at episcopal youth event, but had emailed back and forth. he had tasked me with meeting up with justin, and justin with meeting up with me. and no, "to task" is not a proper verb, according to my grammatical snobbery.
well, we met, and something amazing happened. i can't remember if we shook hands, or if we ever stopped shaking hands, or if we ever broke eye contact for the entire week in philly. thenceforth, a major letter-writing campaign took place. real letters, some emails, some instant messaging, but mostly his beautiful cursive girly handwriting on thin, crisp white paper, and long expensive phone calls very late at night. even later for him. he'd also send me cases of Ale-8, a native kentucky beverage that's "like ginger ale, but better."
i was convinced that this was it. as soon as i'd graduate college, i'd move out to kentucky for a few months to give it a shot. if things worked out, i'd stay. that fall, he came to visit me, and, after having months pass by, building this amazing bond from half-a-world-away, we knew we were going to be in for some physical manifestations. "plot complications," as we'd later call them. i was conviced this guy was my soul mate. i spent three weeks straight with him that christmas, and was finished. i was mere putty in his hands. he sang john denver songs to me, had this amazing little drawl, and told me that i was his everything and that he loved to hear me laugh. yes, wet, sloppy putty. we spent a week snowed in at a friend's house, watching south park, playing guitar, dressing up and giving each other gangster names for a fake-poker night... (i was "fifi l'amour", if you must know)
the day before i left, we told each other that we couldn't love each other without making too much of a sacrifice in our lives. and any relationship we'd try would be riddled with compromise. so i left. he kissed me goodbye and whispered leaving on a jet plane in my ears as i waited until the last possible minute to board (and subsequently had to hold all my personal belongings at my feet instead of the overhead compartments). i knew the chances of seeing him again were very slim.
for the next 3 years or so, i compared everything, everyone, every moment to justin and my time with him. he was a measure against which nobody else could mean anything to me. i had saved a box full of his letters, and i'd read them secretly, unbeknownst to boyfriends or friends. until finally, i DID graduate from college. i was out of work. i was single. i confessed to my roommate julia (yes, it did suck) about everything. we had a very teary conversation, and she told me that i was stupid for even thinking about staying in san diego. i believe she even started looking online for airfares for me. but i didn't go. i hadn't talked to justin in years, and i was afraid of finding out that he was just a normal guy. i was afraid of shattering this fantasy of perfection, of discovering that soul mates are a strange ficticious meme.
so i got a job, and tried to forget about kentucky. 3 or 4 months later, erik walked into my life. about 1 or 2 months into our courting/relationship, i realized something great was happening, something life-changing. why? because i noticed i hadn't measured erik with the justin-o-meter. i hadn't compared anything. i hadn't even thought of justin. erik had freed me from the chains of a tired clingy façade of perfection. and this was before we even fell in love.
[by julia 9:29 AM]
3.24.2003
and we will all keep still Keeping Quiet
Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.
For once on the face of the earth
let's not speak in any language;
let's stop for one second,
and not move our arms so much.
It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines;
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.
Fisherman in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would look at his hurt hands.
Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victories with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.
What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.
Life is what it is about.
I want no truck with death.
If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with death.
Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead
and later proves alive.
Now I'll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go.
--Pablo Neruda
you can't say that on television! make that "american" television.
erik and i, with our newly acquired mental pollution, were watching canadian news. they showed footage of rumsfeld talking about the US POWs and mentioning stuff like violations of the Geneva Convention. then, they switched over to videotaped footage of the taliban and AQ prisoners at guantanamo bay. the anchor mentioned something about how the Geneva Convention was no big deal to america then... as far as i know, the removal of the prisoners to guantanamo bay is a violation in and of itself, and videotaping prisoners is right out. i'm no international law scholar, though.
this would not happen on CNN or any US network news show.
[by julia 9:21 AM]
3.23.2003
the inaugural cable modem blog here i am! at home! it's sunday!
until this point, my weekends were merely blogs waiting to happen. prose opportunities, witty thoughts, and thoughtful banter fluttered around the inside of my head from around 4:30 on friday until nine monday morning. inevitably, they'd flee my mind like passing scents on a breeze. i'd be left with a indiscriminate hint of a memory of a smell. did that just smell like turnips, or my grandma, or both? or maybe it wasn't even a smell.
now, with the luxury of cable, the gorgeous shiny new profile will be my portal to the scratch-n-sniff sticker realm of the blog.
i promise to be insightful and witty, and like, smart and stuff now. or maybe i'll just be a productive employee at work. either way, the world is undeniably a better place with instant, guilt-free internet right here whenever i want it. on a functional computer, too. life is good.
[by julia 9:23 PM]
3.21.2003
diversions from war, part 1. here are some quick and easy steps that you too can partake in to take your mind off the war and the endless streams of associated political debate.
1. try printing addresses directly on tiny envelopes. it's also best if you purchase laser printer clear labels first, then realize you have an inkjet printer. that way, you'll know it's your own damn fault that you have to insert tiny envelopes one-by-one.
2. attract ants to your house. this works best if you live in a condo or apartment, and you ask your next door neighbors to fumigate their houses for ants. that way, they'll all come to your house. create a battle scene of your own. chemical warfare is allowed.
3. concern yourself with meditative issues like, "even though i fully believe that clear inkjet labels exist, i also fully believe in a peaceful marriage, so i won't blame anyone in particular and just be okay with printing directly on the tiny envelopes," and "even though my car got hit, and i didn't even get any free drinks from mulletguy out of it, i'm okay. my car is still fine, and she liked the attention..." and "even though the House passed a $2.2 trillion tax cut riddled budget plan beneath the shadow of the war, it's still okay, because the old rich white people will assuredly donate their tax cuts to the ailing inner city relief programs, education, health care, and other organizations with slashed funding."
4. don't read psalm 91. that puppy is all about protecting during "terror" and "arrows."
that's about all i have. practice these steps daily and fairly soon, you will be more frustrated with your own life, and quickly not concerned with the thousands of lives and the state of peace currently being trampled upon elsewhere in the world. anyone else have any tips?
[by julia 10:14 AM]
3.20.2003
a new way to pick up women since everybody is warblogging today, i'm going to leave one last important tidbit of information:
the person who hit my car last night had a mullet. and he asked me out for drinks.
"no, i don't go out with mulleted people who hit my car, thanks."
[by julia 1:32 PM]
so yesterday sucked, eh? i hate war.
this is all riddled with the ever-increasing feeling that i am Julia or Winston from 1984. i'm figuring out that the government is feeding me a lie (i.e., that the US is "reluctantly" going to war, or that they tried every method of diplomacy...). i'm figuring this out, and there's nothing i can do.
my cool little "crevice" in the room - the only place winston and julia could hide from the giant eyes of big brother and the unforgiving "telescreen" - is my wounded pro-peace, "anti-war" community that i've found. that's all i have. rather than finding strength and support, i'm just finding a safe haven. and a temporary one at that. we are mourning this war, the failure of our country, the failure of all things sensible. yes, i think france failed us, too. yes, i think people who hold signs that say "no war for oil" failed us, too.
i'm very uncertain about the future. i'm uncertain about anti-americanism. i'm uncertain about my choice to become an american citizen. i'm uncertain about the flights i'm taking next week. i'm uncertain about getting married and starting a family and raising children in such an awful climate. i'm uncertain about the state of democracy. i feel unstable and helpless, because world leaders - democratic leaders pledging to represent the people enabling their election - are disobeying that pledge. they're disobeying the wishes of the people and wordsmithing their speeches to make it sound like they are. i cried last night. NPR played some beautiful lachrymose solo viola music immediately after the president's speech at 7:15 PST. relatively speaking, i am the most personally un-affected human being by this war. i don't have any loved ones kicking any ass in the middle east. why is it disturbing me so deeply, then?
i also found out this morning that my beloved caramel latte has about 500 calories. and my car got hit last night. and i still hate war.
[by julia 9:42 AM]
x-treme bull at the irish pub on st. patrick's day, the TVs were set to the always irish sport of "Xtreme Bulls."
erik and i, only 1 guinness down, were quickly hooked.
after much mockery and the people around us commenting on the darwin award-esque nature of the sport, i noticed that the bulls actually had names. one that stuck out was "diamond cutter."
erik thought this was a bit wussy, so we came up with a few more intimidating names.
- Family Dejeweler
- Manhood Eliminator
- Swimmer Killer
really, it was college humor at it's best. and all we really needed was a pint of guinness each.
on a sad note, some guy actually got his hand stuck in the handle thing, and was dragged around the still-bucking bull for a while. frankly, it's their own damn fault for tying their hands to the handle in the first place.
another guy fell off, and as he was standing up to run away, the bull came and head-butted him. in the butt. we laughed. the TV broadcast replayed this. we laughed. then a third time in slow motion. we laughed some more.
not that i support Wendy's, but... rebecca, the loquacious one brought my attention to this "moral authority". they're talking about last thursday's episode of Will & Grace. apparantly, TWO BOYS KISSED! holy crap. actually, i watched the show, and missed the kiss, because i blinked, or looked at my dinner, or something that managed to avert my eyes for a fraction of a second.
"Will & Grace has not shied away from the subject of homosexual sex, as the main characters have frequently talked about male genitals, homosexual promiscuity and even anal sex. The two main male homosexual characters, Will and Jack McFarland, did share a kiss in a previous episode, but it was merely an attempt to get the attention of a television camera crew. Other network sitcoms have occasionally shown a same-sex male kiss, but the context made it clear it was for the purpose of generating laughter - and not as an expression of homosexual affection."
today's big controvercy is that a) will kissed another guy, and b) it was just a casual kiss that generated no laughter. the fact that it was heartfelt and affectionate is apparantly a big No-No for this organization, "OneMillionYouth," or "OMY." they're calling on their members and supporters to flood Wendy's, a fast food company that aired advertisements during the episode.
the one thing that bothers me about Will & Grace is that homosexuality is often just the butt of jokes. (yes, no pun intended). rather than tackling a serious social issue, they're just joining the ranks of the intolerant as they make fun of gay people too. so when there was actually an affectionate gay scene in the show, i was impressed, and OMY was outraged. Oh My. the kiss was nonchalant, and uneventful. it was a peck. the kind of kiss that married people share every day after 20 years of marriage. this should be great. this should be a wonderful step for gay rights movements. but instead, organizations like OMY are fighting it, threatening the advertisers. it's only okay if we're making fun of it, because man, we all know that sort of behavior is moral.
advertising should not dictate our social and political climate, nor should it dictate what sitcom smut we choose to pollute our brains with. knowing that the prospect of advertising backlash had kept something like will and barry's kiss off the airwaves would inflame me much more.
while i'm still disgruntled by the influence of television on our lifestyles and opinions, i'm happy that sitcoms are not dumbing down their portrayals of life for fear of losing sponsors. keep it up.
gay people kiss, too. get over it.
[by julia 9:17 AM]
3.17.2003
"all we are saying, is give peace a chance" we went to a "peace vigil" last night at balboa park in san diego. we didn't really think about it before we went, but as we were parking, next to this giant circle of people, faces aglow with candle-filled dixie cups, i said, "wait, do you think there are going to be people speaking, singing, or what?"
yup. they were singing. over and over again, the meditative refrain "all we are saying, is give peace a chance" echoed around the circle. it was very pretty, and peaceful. (i'd hope).
however, aside from a few short periods of personal reflection and meditation and even prayer about peace, i was mostly just looking around and playing with the way the wax dripped from the candle into the cup. i did take something important away from this event: the sheer volume of participants. i was sincerely struck by how many people turned out. it choked me up to see old people, families, babies, and 6 year olds amongst the usual kill-the-man twenty-somethings and college students. oh, and people were burning sage, which smelled REALLY good.
i felt that the singing, which was just short of the cum-by-ya chants we know and love (and make fun of), was not quite what we needed. while it was repetitive, the core of the Taize philosophy of meditative worship, it just didn't seem like enough. i kept having to remind myself that any "product" of this, or any vigil would be to be a visible, peaceful, protesting presence, and to instill meditation and even prayer in the participants.
lots of vibes were sent in the way of peace last night. but i just have an itch that the right-wingers found humor in our little sage-burning, cum-by-ya-singing hippie circle.
anyway, after this morning, we should change the refrain to, "all we are saying, is give multi-lateral UN support a chance."
adolescence from the age of 10 until about 16 or 17, i was a hopeless, lost child. i was infinitely more complex and compassionate than anyone else could understand, especially my parents and stupid slightly-older sister. more importantly, i was infintely more complex and compassionate than them all.
eventually, i found my match. did i find this in my peers? no. not until at least mid-high school. did i find this in my family? hell no. did i find this on television? hahaha.
i found it in novels. nowadays, we place a very low literary value to such cheesy works of fiction as the "Babysitter's Club" series, and Judy Blume's groundbreaking pieces... "Are You There, God, It's Me, Margaret..." and "As Long As We're Together." i just can't measure how important these were. i saw other people, usually girls, going through the same stuff as me. what are the friggin chances that someone else got stuck with stupid parents and siblings and friends that really weren't all that friendly too!?!?!?! then there was the Life Changing tromp through j.d.salinger's amazingcoming-of-agemasterpieces. (yes, i read them all. no, "read" is too weak a word. i inhaled them)
this week, i plowed through this amazing coming of age novel, "Brave New Girl," by Louisa Luna. i don't know what good this would have done for me at age 14 (the age of the foul mouthed pixies fan protagonist, doreen). with the prolific use of the F-word, i can't picture this book being taught in high schools any time soon. but today, me, an adult, about to get married, totally settled and basically at peace with my "fucking stupid" family, this book amazingly, fully struck me.
i realized what i had wanted. i wanted to share everything with the world. i wanted to be a character in a coming of age novel. i wanted to be franny. i wanted to be margaret. i wanted to be holden. i wanted to be doreen. i wanted to be someone that a helpless adolescent and teenager found comfort and relation in. i wanted to vent my frustrations with growing up, dealing with parents, losing some virginity, hating friends. i wanted to show the other end of the antagonistic pest the world saw. i wanted to let everyone know that people that age are not hooligans and nuisances.
i suppose this all roots back to the fact that i denied myself a childhood. i grew up too fast because i felt like i personally bore the weight and responsibility of convincing the rest of the world that kids, adolescents, and then teenagers weren't that horrible. i thought, "shit, my stupid siblings and friends are ruining it for everyone. nobody is ever going to take us seriously." so i faked maturity. i faked something i didn't have, and squandered the youth i did have.
i would have made a great coming-of-age novel, eh?
[by julia 9:23 AM]
3.13.2003
of all the passing whims the inspiration for me to train for a marathon is the passing-est. oh, i think it just passed. away.
anyone who eats "tofu pate" for lunch each day is a hero of mine. wait! make that LITE tofu pate.
really though, i set out my running clothes last night, in order to go running at 6:30 this morning. well, it didn't happen. at 7:08am, i finally stopped hitting snooze, took a shower, and was somewhat late to work.
i really did go through a huge running phase recently - a few years ago. trail running. it's definitely a big time committment, mostly because after you're done, you're filthy. stinky, sweaty, and covered with splattered mud down the back of your legs. i used to run for an hour-and-a-half a pop. i ran up and down mountains like they were speed bumps. and not those annoyingly huge speed bumps. those soft easy ones, for which low-riders don't even need to slow down. it was physically and spiritually enrapturing. then i started dating again, and needed to be ready to go out at nights without stinking.
now i'm letting unfounded fears of kidnappings and rapes by mountain-dwelling sickos be my Good Reason for stopping.
anybody need a running buddy? i run fast, and burn out even faster.
[by julia 11:13 AM]
3.12.2003
warning signs... really, my stomach hurts from laughing now.
emergency
[by julia 1:39 PM]
"jesus christ, brought to you by cingular wireless."
so, a certain church in which i'm on the elected leading body (i.e. vestry, if you're down with the episcopal lingo) discussed an "unsolicited" proposal from a certain cellular phone company. they want to put antennaes on our property. our church! our steeple! okay, not really the steeple, but pretty close to it.
why would this even be considered?? because they're going to pay us. a lot.
as you have probably already guessed, this makes me a tad irrate.
first of all, and on top of all things - regardless of whether the antennae (which apparantly is a horizontal bar these days) is visible, or regardless of whether it is completely harmless to our health and the health of the preschoolers, this is like blood money.
i'm tasking myself (since everyone else on vestry seemed to nod in agreement of how wonderful this whole proposal is) to put together a report. i'm going to call it the "Jesus Christ, brought to you by Cingular Wireless" report. i'm going to delve into whatever i can get my hands on. shareholders reports. miscellaneous muckraking about the company. i think our church has a right to know this stuff. if we no longer care about sacrificing the sanctity of our worship space, we can at least make sure the profits cingular are giving us don't come from exploitative labor practices or pvc-esque frivolous environmental waste policies.
it's not like they're going to stick a logo on our rooftop. it's not like they're giving us money to advertise, or even to help our ministry grow (which would entail a "corporate underwritership.") they're just paying us rent. way too many churches to count are already doing this.
it just burns me, that's all. we're selling out. it's hard for me to trust something that's riddled with corporate money. and if i can't find trust in the house of my god, then what?
[by julia 8:54 AM]
3.11.2003
CSA so i just sent in an order form for a Community Supported Agriculture Program. what's that, you ask?
basically, i just learned about this too.
it's a program where members of a community can purchase a "share" of a farm, usually an organic farm. why usually an organic farm? because they're into crunchy stuff like this.
and by "share," i mean, they give (deliver!) you a share of the crop. you can pick either a large share or a small share, and even get it delivered biweekly.
we're going with the Be Wise Ranch. they have a relatively large CSA program. wait, relatively gigantic. we just signed up for the trial period. it'll be interesting to see how it works out, and if we use all the produce.
here's a few pros and cons that i know going into this endeavor:
Pro- we get fresh organic fruits, vegetables, and herbs, etc., for a fraction of the cost of Whole Foods or other organic stores.
Con- i'm almost certain we'll waste some stuff
Pro- we'll now always have food in the house. we'll always have something to throw together for dinner. thus, we won't eat out as much, and we'll be much happier and wealthier.
Con- we'll have to figure out how to cook obscure vegetables we'd never think of buying in the store.
Pro - we'll have to figure out how to cook obscure vegetables we'd never think of buying in the store.
well, i can't really think of any more cons, so here's another pro - we'll learn to eat, cook, and live more seasonally. that's very sustainable of us.
i'll be sure to document the process here.
mmm, vegetables. now if only they'd deliver tofu, edamame, bread, and toilet paper, i wouldn't need to step foot in a grocery store again!
[by julia 11:02 AM]
3.10.2003
okay, i promise, i've really had enough of being sick. this marks the 5th new bout since the beginning of december.
and of course, everything was alligned in favor of me getting sick.
- i'm not very good about taking vitamins everyday.
- i'm very good about drinking a latte everyday.
- i've been unbelievably stressed out recently.
- and... i consequently haven't been getting sleep.
so friday night, right as i was preparing to spend all night and most of saturday preparing for our engagement party saturday night, complete with a ton of fancy hors d'oerves that i'd prepare on saturday... i felt a wicked sore throat come on. it was one of those "damnit!" moments, because i knew i deserved it.
and why am i here at work today? well, mostly for the free internet. i'm actually going to go home soon and work on the house, and our pending internet connection!!!! erik and i made a vow not to hook our TV up ever (since we're reading and conversing so much now), but there's no way in heck we can live without the info-net. my productivity at work really does depend on the availability of the internet at home.
and with that, i'm going to try to get some work done.
...okay, who am i kidding? i'm going to play on the internet.
[by julia 10:32 AM]
3.07.2003
shift of emphasis did anyone else notice the lack of the word "nukular" in bush's speech last night? it was only mentioned when talking about north korea. the inspectors have stressed that iraq's nuclear/nukular threat isn't, well, a threat. so the bush administration is focusing on biological and chemical weapons now. which are a threat. i probably wouldn't have noticed this shift in focus much if it weren't for his highly distinguishable way of pronouncing nuclear. (note that distinguishable is different from distinguished). the speech bush gave a few weeks ago had nukular as every other word while yesterday, i heard it only a few times. this is very interesting.
what's more interesting is that i still crack up when i hear him say it.
[by julia 7:57 AM]
3.06.2003
my relentless wit i just have to document how damn funny i am.
this was in a message advertising a regional young adult event --
"We will be discussing simplifying our lifes, materialism, and how we have to approach the "dropping everything and taking up the cross" idea in this day and age. This will be a discussion "led" by Julia, who tries to simplify her life and be non-materialistic, but still catches herself reading catalogs more than scripture. The focus will mostly be on sharing each other's ideas rather than listening to a discussion leader. a free DINNER WILL BE SERVED."
i am working on the catalog thing, by the way.
[by julia 9:09 AM]
remember that you are ash ...and to ash you shall return.
thankfully, i found out last night, during our ashed-foreheaded girlie bonding session (over some very unlenten tirimisu), that i'm not the only one who was a little disturbed by the notion of being ash.
i thought we were important! important to god at least. you know, god's children and all. that's more important than ash.
but i'm starting to get comfortable (thanks to Dear Friend Sarah) with the fact that my body is ash. my temporal life is ash. the material world is ash. these things will disappear, disintegrate, scatter. upon my death, when my body becomes ash again, i will not. i will continue.
i still haven't mastered this enough to be fully comfortable with it. but hey, if i did that now, i'd be bored for the rest of my life. discovery and constant learning are the essence of growth, sanity, and spirituality. i don't want all the answers all the time, but i am glad to know that i'm not ash.
[by julia 8:38 AM]
3.05.2003
what, you guys only comment on my wedding stuff and ridiculous conspiracy theories? perhaps i should change my format. everything on this blog could revolve around wedding rantings complete with superfluous use of salingeresque Capitalization For Satirical Emphasis, and wry conspiracy plots.
not really, that would get boring. maybe i'll write a conspiracy plot about weddings some day, using lots of capitalization. stay tuned! comment on the boring stuff!
DNR so i guess erik's grandmother had "signed a DNR," or so my good friends on ER say.
i had always wondered about that process. i generally envisioned super old women who were widowed already, or young, hip, progressive twenty-somethings. those YHP20s may have a terminal disease, but that really wasn't part of the picture i created. but at what point did they sign that form, and how did they feel about that? was it a liberating swoosh of control-via-squandering-control? or was it i-know-i'm-doing-the-right-thing-so-why-the-lump-in-my-throat?? the big form, which, in my picture, looked much like an INS application for naturalization N-400 form looming the giant sans-serif all-caps lettering of "DO NOT RESUSCITATE." well, the spelling wasn't part of this visage.
i'm sure i would be in the latter group. i wouldn't see it as liberating. of course, i'd know i was supposed to be liberated, and i'd most likely have some sort of terminal or almost-terminal condition. i wouldn't feel at peace with my DNR form. or waiver. i wonder if it's even a form, now that i think of it. perhaps it's nothing more than a single checkbox with a line for your signature. one of those lines that aren't big enough, smushing your gorgeous, well-practiced signature into one indistinguishable word.
i wouldn't be able to sign one. mostly because i can't understand death. i can't understand eternity. i'm not quite there.
perhaps i need to focus on understanding resuscitation first. i could understand what my un-life would comprise. nothing. vegetation. beeping. tubes.
[by julia 9:02 AM]
3.31.2003
