completeness
i firmly believe that the whole jerry maguire/austin powers "you complete me" spiel is a crock. a remarkable woman and friend, heidi k., was talking about this recently, and i fully credit her for the movie allusion. i am the only person that can complete me. i am the only person i need to be around, other than the constant presence of god for my spiritual and mental sustanance. having a soul mate is different from being complete.

recall in Say Anything... diane court comes to visit lloyd dobbler, post-break-up, at his kickboxing studio. lloyd is shocked to see her, lloyd gets kicked in the nose, director creates an amazing scene with hugs and tears and bloody noses. anyway, diane tells lloyd, "lloyd, i need you." lloyd is stoked. they hug for a moment, but he pulls away. he asks her, "wait. do you need me, or do you just need anybody?" and then tells her to forget it, because he doesn't want to know the answer.
i had always been disturbed by this. (nobody messes with my john cusack!).

real life. the cast: girl, boy. the scene: the 3 month hiatus after a broken 2 year relationship. the mood: needy.
i spent that summer in a rollercoaster of freedom and loneliness. of happily dating and resenting my involved friends. of hating to go out to dinner by myself...
i did not go back to Boy because i wanted to be with him. i needed him. i needed someone. i needed not to be lonely. major mistake #8 in julia's life.
it was only a month later when i would break his heart again.

i didn't allow myself to fall back into the cycle of loneliness. i kept myself busy and surrounded myself with wonderful friends. then i met erik. my life quickly became more amazing than nutella crepes or that discontinued cheesecake factory white chocolate lemon-raspberry swirl cheesecake. i had found my soul mate.

it was a sad day when i realized that i didn't need to be near erik constantly. i was 21 years old at the time. i remember wondering, "does this mean that i don't need him? does this mean that i don't love him?" i knew back then that i was going to spend the rest of my life with him, so perhaps you can imagine my sense of alarm. it took me a few days to realize that at that very moment, i grew up. i was no longer a clingy, needy girl that used people. i became my own person. i realize now that i want and choose to be around erik constantly. i want and choose to spend the rest of my life with him, and i know that my life's trajectory will be incomplete without him. my life would suck without erik, but the only thing i really need is the air that god breathes into my body.
i hope that other people can make this realization and ask with confidence! for that Table for One before they commit themselves to marriage. before they take that insane next step with someone who might only be a comfort from loneliness... from someone who might not mesh with the New Me, the Power Lloyd... Iceman.

i am so lucky for erik's presence in my life. i am so thankful that i am not just comfortable with him, and that we allow each other to be our own selves. dependent and complementary, but not reliant and parasitic.