looking the part
will you take me seriously now, if i look the part?

i feel like my appearance revolves around trying to fight the instinct of personality and comfort. the very essence of what makes me want to be myself is also screaming to snap into the puzzle and be what everyone else wants me to be.

if i wear my sweater tied loosely around my shoulders instead of my waist like a school girl, i'll look older, more refined.
if i resist the urge to pull my fifty pounds of hair back into a ponytail, i'll look older, more refined.
if i paint my face, i'll look older, more refined.
if i wear at least 1 and a half inch heels instead of the very flat shoes that seem to plague my closet, i'll look taller, longer, leaner. older, more refined.
if i don't open my mouth as much when i laugh, i'll look more sensible. older, more refined.

so why do i gravitate towards laughing my ass off, wearing those flat mary janes everyday, the ponytail, no face paint (okay, just a little), and wearing the sweater however i damn well please?

chances are, i'll never make it big in the business world. screw your shoulder-slung sweaters.
chances are, i'll never be seen as a tall, long, lean sillhouette. screw your high heels.
chances are, my hair will always be this unruly, and the blow-dryer will always stay tucked away in the bottom drawer. screw your femininity.
chances are, i'll probably wear lipstick everyonce in a while, but still feel slightly clownish and un-julia every time. screw your un-julia-ness.

i am not comfortable being that which they want me to be. take me as i am. i'm comfortable this way. i'm better this way.