some kind of splash

"I'm not afraid to compete. It's just the opposite. Don't you see that? I'm afraid I will compete- that's what scares me. That's why I quit the Theater Department. Just because I'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I'm sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash."
--Franny Glass

(from salinger's "franny and zooey")


i have a little bit of an obsession with salinger. maybe it's the way he, salinger, spoke to me, as if saying my name aloud for the first time. maybe it's the way holden caulfield reponded to the god-awful world we were all held captive in as teenagers. maybe it's the way seymour couldn't handle it all. maybe it's the way buddy glass had such a witty way of classifying people by capitalizing their descriptions. maybe it's just franny.

my upbringing was starkly different from the glass family. i wasn't raised a genius. i was, however, plagued with the same kind of expectations. this isn't about the expectations other people held of franny, because she really didn't give a rat's ass about that. it was what she expected of herself. circumstances aside, we're all going to be our biggest critics. i'm the only person in my life that's difficult to please.

franny was amidst a major meltdown, emotionally and physically. unlike her older (and dead) brother seymour, she didn't see the worldly intellectual corruption as too simple and too everywhere - too much to handle. she just thought she could analyze it and out-intellect it. she thought she could free herself from depression and expectation by dedicating herself to incessant prayer... "lord jesus christ, have mercy. lord jesus christ, have mercy. lord jesus christ, have mercy." that didn't quite work. but by solidifying that her big flaw was her expectations and need to be somebody, she figures it out. she realizes that the best way to live is to slip into the water gracefully, selfishly and selflessly at the same time, without making a splash. it feels good. damn good. of course, franny is still depressed, but that's the inherent nature of the glass family for ya.

i have a little bit of franny in me. well, a lot. i'm emotionally and intellectually fragile and dynamic. i understand that spiel about desiring to be a nobody. in fact, i think it's an ineffably noble goal. but i just don't do that. i'm not there yet. i'm still flapping my arms around, splashing water everywhere i can.