brandishing martyrdom
yesterday, i was supposed to play guitar and sing carols at the downtown jail. i've done it two years in a row, and it's always really strange for me. i feel like the whole experience is negative for me. i backed out.

each time we go in there, i feel like i should have an apologetic look on my face. i feel like a smug, rich, happy white person, rubbing in the fact that my life is perfect. i fear that the inmates just think "oh, we're so glad we provided the happy smug perfect girl an opportunity to feel better about herself." when we get to the women's floor, they always sing along, but they always cry, too. they CRY! not out of sheer appreciation for beautiful music (haha), but because they can't handle this glimpse of what they have denied themselves. i felt like i really needed to evaluate why i participated each year before i continued. i just firmly believe it's more about trying to martyr ourselves.

friday night, we'll be playing at the juvenile hall. i have a different feeling about that one. i feel like i won't so much be rubbing in my perfect happy christmasy life to the kids. i feel like i'll be giving them hope, and providing them with the love that they won't have in their lives. that's supposed to be the schtick for the adult prison, too, but there's no hope. the kids have more of an opportunity to stop the cycle and improve themselves. i'll have to see. this will be my first time going to juvenile hall..my first experience outside of cheesy 80s movies.

right now, i'm pretty good about making donations not to feel good about myself but to actually make a difference. i just didn't feel like it was the case with the prison thing.