september
erik and i have been engaged for over a year now. september has, until yesterday, been an elusive destination. i've really felt some sort of disconnect from the wedding for so long. "oh, it's next year." or, "oh, it's in september."

hello, september.

i had a bit of a break down at work today. my first. i wouldn't say it's because of the vah-deeng. i wouldn't say it's because of something bad that happened at work. but the combination of stupid little things and tightly wound emotions found me weeping over an email from a colleague in all caps.

for the love of god!!! ALL CAPS!! don't you know i'm getting married in less than three weeks???

from day one of this wedding planning crap, i wanted to be the Zen Bride. i wanted to not care about the way i looked. i wanted to not care what the guests thought of me. i wanted to not let the little details bog me down. right now, i'm pretty much "bogged down." "by the little details." and on top of that, i'm second-guessing the decisions we made months and months ago about locations and food and flowers and music and my dress. my dress! and of course i'm going to care about how i look and what people think of me. i'm still julia, for crying out loud. so that leaves me 0 for 3 against the zen.

i want to float through the day with a geniune, serene smile on my face and erik's fingers intertwined with mine. nick drake will sing about never feeling magic crazy as this, and i will dance in erik's arms beneath the stars and our bright northern sky knowing how amazing the rest of my life will continue to be with this man. it won't matter if anyone is breathtaken by the beauty of the flowers or the food or the ceremony or the wedding dress. it won't matter how much fun they had at the reception or if our photographer has a timeless blend of photojournalistic and classic styles. (which she does!)

and after i'm done being the Zen Bride, i'll be the Zen Honeymooner. especially when i'm stuck in san diego airport, unable to go through security with the plane ticket erik booked in my future last name.