from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone
last night i dreamt about an ex-boyfriend.

we had set up a fort around his bed, as usual. i remember feeling cozy and protected by the blanket forts, staying in bed all day listening to aimee mann. everything we did was secretive and hushed. it was so romantic and beautiful and fabulous and deep and meaningful and, ultimately, annoying and difficult.

the dream didn't really have any kind of plot. it was more like i was standing over a photograph being developed - the chemical liquid swishing over some hazy and dreamy snapshot of a former me.

i wasn't really much different then. i just needed different things.

yesterday, i was reminded of a conversation with someone i'd just met a few weeks ago... he said, "man, i can't believe you're getting married." i said, "what? why? because i look young?" and he said, "no, because it means now i can't have you."

while i walked away from that gorgeous stranger feeling unbelievably flattered and self-confident, i realized how happy i am with the page my life is turning. i don't need clandestine passionate afternoons spent tucked away in a makeshift fort. i don't need men i've just met to fall in love with me. i just need erik. for the rest of my life, i just need him.

it's a remarkable, peaceful feeling.