side by side in orbit around the fairest sun
sunday morning was lousy.

it was all a giant mess of realizing that a handful - well, two - of my closest friends really don't love me unconditionally and chances are, because of that, i probably don't love them unconditionally back. it was all a giant mess of being one-upped after everything i might say. it was all a giant mess of still being one-upped after i'd decided to cease talking. it was all a giant mess of being disrespected. it was all a giant mess of sixth-grade-esque discussions of good times spent without julia and how fabulous and important their friendship to each other is.

it was all a giant mess of realizing i hate girls.

(granted, i still have a handful of gems in my life, but i can write about them in a less girl-hating post.)

i left the room and sat outside in the annoying october 90° heat on a splintery bench while children rushed past and acquaintences and old ladies tried to start cheap conversation. i let myself breathe deeply, trying to fight the standard julia "think about what just happened and end up overanalyzing it and crying" reflex.

it worked. soon, i felt normal again. the sun was shining. i could see my sweet husband across the church campus carrying my guitar out to the car. a newly engaged man came to ask me for wedding advice and ideas (you know, the highest praise and all). i realized i didn't need to fill my life with friends anyway. one beautiful friendship far outweighs a hundred meaningless ones.

then, i heard that while i had been outside, my friends had picked our lunch locale - the usual daunting post-church decision as we factor in everyone's dietary needs, pregnancy cravings, and cash flow.

and where did they choose? a fast food burger joint.


thus, with my zen state completely busted, erik and i went to lunch by ourselves. as we waited for our organic tofu stirfry at the Whole Foods cafe, i told erik that spending time with him makes me happier. i told him that he makes days like this suck less. that he makes my life better.

erik then told me that his life would be horrible without me.

it was all a giant, happy mess of realizing what a pair of insecure, baggage-ridden basketcases we are, and how amazing and borderline spiritual it is that we managed to find each other and make something beautiful, something better.

i am the luckiest person in the world ever to cry into their tofu stirfry.