adolescence
from the age of 10 until about 16 or 17, i was a hopeless, lost child. i was infinitely more complex and compassionate than anyone else could understand, especially my parents and stupid slightly-older sister. more importantly, i was infintely more complex and compassionate than them all.

eventually, i found my match. did i find this in my peers? no. not until at least mid-high school. did i find this in my family? hell no. did i find this on television? hahaha.

i found it in novels. nowadays, we place a very low literary value to such cheesy works of fiction as the "Babysitter's Club" series, and Judy Blume's groundbreaking pieces... "Are You There, God, It's Me, Margaret..." and "As Long As We're Together." i just can't measure how important these were. i saw other people, usually girls, going through the same stuff as me. what are the friggin chances that someone else got stuck with stupid parents and siblings and friends that really weren't all that friendly too!?!?!?! then there was the Life Changing tromp through j.d.salinger's amazing coming-of-age masterpieces. (yes, i read them all. no, "read" is too weak a word. i inhaled them)

this week, i plowed through this amazing coming of age novel, "Brave New Girl," by Louisa Luna. i don't know what good this would have done for me at age 14 (the age of the foul mouthed pixies fan protagonist, doreen). with the prolific use of the F-word, i can't picture this book being taught in high schools any time soon. but today, me, an adult, about to get married, totally settled and basically at peace with my "fucking stupid" family, this book amazingly, fully struck me.

i realized what i had wanted. i wanted to share everything with the world. i wanted to be a character in a coming of age novel. i wanted to be franny. i wanted to be margaret. i wanted to be holden. i wanted to be doreen. i wanted to be someone that a helpless adolescent and teenager found comfort and relation in. i wanted to vent my frustrations with growing up, dealing with parents, losing some virginity, hating friends. i wanted to show the other end of the antagonistic pest the world saw. i wanted to let everyone know that people that age are not hooligans and nuisances.

i suppose this all roots back to the fact that i denied myself a childhood. i grew up too fast because i felt like i personally bore the weight and responsibility of convincing the rest of the world that kids, adolescents, and then teenagers weren't that horrible. i thought, "shit, my stupid siblings and friends are ruining it for everyone. nobody is ever going to take us seriously." so i faked maturity. i faked something i didn't have, and squandered the youth i did have.

i would have made a great coming-of-age novel, eh?