so yesterday sucked, eh?
i hate war.

this is all riddled with the ever-increasing feeling that i am Julia or Winston from 1984. i'm figuring out that the government is feeding me a lie (i.e., that the US is "reluctantly" going to war, or that they tried every method of diplomacy...). i'm figuring this out, and there's nothing i can do.
my cool little "crevice" in the room - the only place winston and julia could hide from the giant eyes of big brother and the unforgiving "telescreen" - is my wounded pro-peace, "anti-war" community that i've found. that's all i have. rather than finding strength and support, i'm just finding a safe haven. and a temporary one at that. we are mourning this war, the failure of our country, the failure of all things sensible. yes, i think france failed us, too. yes, i think people who hold signs that say "no war for oil" failed us, too.

i'm very uncertain about the future. i'm uncertain about anti-americanism. i'm uncertain about my choice to become an american citizen. i'm uncertain about the flights i'm taking next week. i'm uncertain about getting married and starting a family and raising children in such an awful climate. i'm uncertain about the state of democracy. i feel unstable and helpless, because world leaders - democratic leaders pledging to represent the people enabling their election - are disobeying that pledge. they're disobeying the wishes of the people and wordsmithing their speeches to make it sound like they are. i cried last night. NPR played some beautiful lachrymose solo viola music immediately after the president's speech at 7:15 PST. relatively speaking, i am the most personally un-affected human being by this war. i don't have any loved ones kicking any ass in the middle east. why is it disturbing me so deeply, then?

i also found out this morning that my beloved caramel latte has about 500 calories. and my car got hit last night. and i still hate war.