Family.

Family.
Erik's grandmother is deathly ill. They just found cancer all over her body that sprouted from lung cancer. I guess now it's everything-cancer. She really doesn't have much longer to live, and probably will not be aggressively treating the cancer.

There was talk immediately of going out to see her one last time. Erik tearfully told me how he was so glad we had the wedding and everyone in his family (literally everyone) came out and celebrated with his grandma one last time.

Florinda is the last of our grandparents. I lost all of mine when I was in middle school and high school (as far as I know - there's a missing branch to the tree). She was always so youthful, so calm, so happy. It was never a question of whether she'd be alive to play with her great-grandchildren; she was just always in that picture in my head - the one with family holiday gatherings and us bringing our tiny newborn baby to meet everyone for the first time. She, the matriarch of the family, would have first dibs on holding the baby.

Erik told me last night that his dad is planning a trip to Nevada for them to see her in two weeks. He paused for a second, and then told me that his dad didn't think I should go. That he didn't want me to go; he didn't want me to see her like that.

I immediately felt like I understood, but as time passed and morning fell upon me today, I realize that I'm understanding less and less. I'm supposed to be family. I could understand if Erik's parents didn't want some random girlfriend coming along, the flavor of the month tainting such specific and pungent memories, but I'm not a random girlfriend. I'm Erik's wife.

And Erik is my husband. Sure, he can get through hard times without me. God knows he survived just fine before I came along. But I feel like I need to be there for him. Not just for me, not just for some larger concept of inclusion or acceptance, not just for his family, not just for one last gathering with Florinda. But to hold his hand and give him someone to talk to or be quiet with and kiss the tears away at the corners of his eyes.

I don't understand anymore.