Disconnected.

Disconnected.

These days, I feel like I'm constantly disconnected to my faith. I can't say what it is that I'm doing wrong or what I'm not doing - I don't even know. I'm barely getting by God-wise.

It's actually a completely bizarre time to feel separate from God. Life is truly wonderful, and I am constantly thankful to God for providing me such richness of my surroundings - completely priceless friendships, a loving partner, and the nature around me. Prayer is also looking better for me. I find myself subconsciously slipping into silent prayer when I see that someone is nervous, stumbling over speech, or looking dejected or uncomfortable. This is huge for me, because prayer, especially extemporaneous prayer, has always been a battle and has always felt forced.

My favorite line in scripture, which I have blogged about before, is Micah 6:8. "...and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?". Again, sorry for getting all Bibly.

I feel like I'm getting the first two items on Micah's little to-do list (a man after my own heart, of course). It's that last bit. And dude, I'm trying the walking humbly part as hard as possibly can try. It's those pesky "with your God" words that are challenging me the most. Yes, here I am being subconsciously thankful for the gifts that I am so generously given by God, and subconsciously aware of the presence of God, but I just feel like I'm walking next to God, not with God. Maybe a few shoulder widths apart even. Before we go any further, please all of you get the god-awful image of the "Footsteps" poem cheesy artwork out of your head right now. God and I are TOTALLY NOT WALKING ON THE BEACH, and there's certainly no pinkish yellow sunset behind us. We're in like, downtown Los Angeles or somewhere. Okay, got it?

So there's Julia and God, in LA, walking humbly, etc. We're doing all of these great things for each other, but there's just not that feeling of with-ness. I want God to be holding my hand. I don't care if I'm wandering aimlessly or am lost, but I just want to be more spiritually present and feel God more deeply. And I don't know what to do. I feel powerless to change and I can't get Cat Power out of my head.