blue. no! yelloooooooooooooooooooow
so, erik got a notice yesterday informing him that he didn't get the yellowstone national park cartographer job, but that he was qualified enough. it was depressing for both of us as a couple, and also for both of us individually.

we weren't completely sold on moving, but bringing that letter from the Department of the Interior into the house, i totally got my hopes up. i figured that worst-case scenario, it would be a letter saying, "we got your application. thank you. stay tuned."

in the last few months, he's expanded his local job hunt not only nationally, but internationally - looking into embassies, consulates, and other such foreign assignments. just as recently, however, he also limited his job search. he realized that his last job, working for a private land-use planner, was a huge conflict of interest for him. there he was encouraging developers, not regulating them. he's pretty much sticking to government, regulatory organizations. so don't get too excited. the new expanded search across the country and globe doesn't really help us too much in the big picture.

enter julia, with her continuing search for the Perfect Non-Profit job. you know, the one that doesn't require previous non-profit employment but isn't making coffee and copies. in addition to our finances being slightly in turmoil right now, we now add the potential to move far away. basically, this really fucks with any chance of a fruitful job search for me. i have a somewhat comfortable income that mostly provides for the both of us, despite the fact that i paid TWO DOLLARS AND FIFTY NINE CENTS PER GALLON for gas yesterday, and that the median price of a home is OVER FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. until we know for sure that we're moving somewhere with a more reasonable cost of living, i'm stuck here. i'm tied to a job. fucking A. i was a literature major at one of the biggest science and research institutions in the region, for crying out loud. everyone around me studied biology or engineering or computer science (read: "people with job prospects"). being tied to a job wasn't even on the radar. (mostly due to the fact that actually having a job wasn't on the radar, but that's not my point.)

being tied to tech writing isn't going to stop me from enrolling in a non-profit management certificate program at a local university, but it's sure as hell going to make every class i sit through just that little bit more depressing.

i really feel like for the first time in my life, i'm not using the word "depressing" lightly. i actually mean it. i'm depressed about this. admitting being depressed during the first year of marriage is a HUGE blow to my ego. everything is just supposed to roll off me right now. why do something meaningful with your life when you're so in love?!

thus, last weekend, i broke down. it was a combination of my usual "my friends don't need me as much as i need them" whine with this newly surfaced resentment for the rut i'm in, and for the job-hunting husband contributing to that rut.

enter unruly packing peanuts, and you have yourself a very unhappy woman.