Don't bite the hand that gives you sinews.

Don't bite the hand that gives you sinews.

Last night, after a day of the unhappy skin on my face feeling alternatively sunburned and teenagerly and old womanly, I realized I had the hiccups as I was climbing into bed. Hiccups, strangely enough, are an evil forbearer of bad womanly news in our house. I lamented this observation out loud to Erik. "Fuck. Hiccups. If this means I'm getting my period again already, I'm filing a complaint about my body. With... God."

I could fill a list a mile long about the things I'm legitimately unhappy with about my body. I'm not being a picky perfectionist here; I really did draw the short straw with some things. Recent, ridiculous, and mysterious breakouts, menstrual cramps that literally stop me in my tracks, a three-week frequency of said cramps (rrrr), feet that swell up and cramp up after long days or any semblance of road or air travel, and that scar on my collar bone that came from nowhere. And It always takes forever to bring me to orgasm. Oh, and that forsaken toenail that's been half-off since August, with no sign of coming off completely, and no sign of feeling better.

But the moment I said I wanted to file a complaint with God, I could hear the gravity and ungratefulness of my words. Heads turned, cars swerved and crashed, children stopped their crying, birds fell from the sky, old ladies gasped and exchanged suspicious glances with their widowy friends, and, as onechildleftbehind once said, needles ripped across records with all the accompanying screeching noises and we all peered upwards at the anvil of jinxness dangling lithely and tauntingly above my head. It was like asking to get some sort of serious debilitation or lose a limb or something, God chuckling a little and saying, "Dude, I'll give you something to file a complaint about."

I realized just how fortunate I am. My body is pretty phenomenal - carrying me 17 odd miles on foot in a relatively short amount of time, something I never imagined it doing. And then there's the amusing arrangement of freckles and sunspots on my arms that provide endless distraction for me during meetings or lectures, sitting and counting them or figuratively connecting them. I digress. Whatever minor complaints I have about other things, I honestly am thankful for the hand I was dealt. The bones and sinews (that word is so biblical) inside of me and the skin wrapped around me are serving me well, very well.

I'm also kind of hoping this newfound contentment with the cramps and the evil skin will make them go away due to positive energy forces and inner chi or some holistic sinewy shit.